Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All the doctor said was why
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
