Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
