Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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