and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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