Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize