it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
