And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
