I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
