those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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