Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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