Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
And then he peed in my hair
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