you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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