I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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