beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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