i love accidental penises.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
