we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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