A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
