Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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