Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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