You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
