Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
