she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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