I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
