There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize