I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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