Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
