I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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