cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize