if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
