your thong is hanging out like whoa
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
