the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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