dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
