In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
