The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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