My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
