I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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