I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
