happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
