The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
