Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
