I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
