the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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