I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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