Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
