as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Come on in and take your pants off
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