Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Randomize