you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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