I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
