This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
