Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
