made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
