Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize