this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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