she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
