I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
