She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
