Can Purell be used as lube?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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