my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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