I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
