omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
my liver is dry heaving
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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