Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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