Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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