i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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