My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize