I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
