oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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