your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
