I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
