I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize