Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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