I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
