Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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