even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
